NaNo Addendum
Dec. 2nd, 2010 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foxinthestarsBecause the very least you all deserve is to see how that last scene comes out...
As it turned out, no one had tried in the least to detain him, but even returning immediately, he had arrived too late --- barely in time for Shoka to be buried with the ribbons he had bought for her in the capital. When Tenkou had suggested that it was “part of a larger plan,” one could even suspect that he knew whereof he spoke, although all of his demons that Mitsukake had seen were black and not Shikkonki’s ghastly red color, and despite everything it seemed clear that feeling rage or vengeance against him would be no more use than it would against Taiitsukun.
But he had been able to see her one last time, whether it was a horror or a blessing. Slowly, gingerly, he let his thoughts approach that last night in Choukou, recoiling from the sting of seeing her controlled by the demon, accusing him...
“Where were you when I was dying!? In all that time and all that pain, I waited for you. Until the last moment, I believed you’d come, and you never did! I trusted you and you betrayed me!”
But then he could remember seeing the truth in her face as Yui’s words brought her back to herself...
“Didn’t you want to be there for him, to let him know you believed in him...?”
How long had she waited? That night had come a year after she died; how long had she suffered as the demon’s puppet, spreading death through her own home village, while he had been perhaps an hour’s walk away all the time, oblivious, even chasing away the new doctor when he had come with news of the crisis? How many more people had died because of his inaction? That might be the real reason he had agreed to go with the Suzaku no Miko that night---not because he had accepted his heavenly duty, but because if he had stayed any longer, he would have had to confront the enormity of his own sin.
What had held him back? What had kept him in that forest hut for a year? If he had thought of going back to the village, something held him back; if someone from the village had come to him, something came between them---something not large or powerful, something with hardly any substance at all, but somehow enough to bind him irresistibly, like an invisible black thread.
Even through his eyelids, he could feel the starlight falling on him at the realization. It was the same thing he had seen that night in the palace, what had brought Hotohori close to death. Just such a shadow had entangled him, leaving a gap in its nebulous iron strands only large enough for a cat, and he knew that he also couldn’t have survived it forever.
When Yui and the others had come, he had thrown it off---at least most of it---so perhaps he could have done so all along, but having also seen such a thing from the outside, he could appreciate how unexpectedly fearsome it was, how difficult that would have been. He could still remember, when his fellow Seishi begged him for his help, the almost-physical pain of those bonds pulling against him, their sound in his mind...
“I can’t help anyone anymore.”
He drew a sudden deep breath. He opened his eyes and looked up at the stars. I’m still...
The memory echoed against his thoughts now, his days here in this cave. “I can’t help anyone anymore.” “I’m no use to anyone.” “There’s nothing I can do.” He could see them clearly now, those black threads; he had never entirely thrown them off, and now he had let them tie him down again, here on this rock. He was still the same as when she had waited in vain...
Tears and a smile swelled together under the glinting patch of sky. Shoka, forgive me. I’ve been such a fool... Did the dead watch over the living? Could she know? She was beyond his reach, the village by now might be abandoned completely, but if he could throw off the shadows at last, if he could be again the man she had loved, who she would have wanted to be, who he wanted to be for her sake, it would be one remaining star-dusted road home to her at last.
The night air and even the hot aching tears filled him with strength. He seized the thoughts: “I can’t help anyone anymore.” “I’m no use to anyone.” “There’s nothing I can do.” He threw them aside. Whether escape was actually possible hardly mattered; he had to try, and he sprang up from the floor, mind racing, suddenly impatient for the sun to show his eyes the possibilities. He ran his hands over the wall in search of any loose stone; in the same way he felt over the lip of the crag. Climbing to the skylight would be difficult; if he could get to the floor, the gaps through which Tenkou and his demons came and went must lead somewhere; perhaps one of them led out. If it was true that Tenkou wouldn’t let him die, jumping over the edge might work in his favor, but it was too risky short of a last resort; if he died then he actually would be useless. When the demon brought his food, maybe he could break the plate and use the shards as some kind of tool...
A pebble came loose under his fingers, and after a dizzying pause he heard it strike the floor.
“So, you’ve reached that stage, have you?” came Tenkou’s voice. “If Miboshi didn’t need you for something, I would just dispose of you now...”
But Miboshi evidently did need him for something, so for now he was safe. He might not know enough yet for useful conjecture, but he still tried to think what it could be and how he could plan for it as he kept testing the rocks and waiting for morning.
*******
If/when I post further draft I'll make a new tag for it.
As it turned out, no one had tried in the least to detain him, but even returning immediately, he had arrived too late --- barely in time for Shoka to be buried with the ribbons he had bought for her in the capital. When Tenkou had suggested that it was “part of a larger plan,” one could even suspect that he knew whereof he spoke, although all of his demons that Mitsukake had seen were black and not Shikkonki’s ghastly red color, and despite everything it seemed clear that feeling rage or vengeance against him would be no more use than it would against Taiitsukun.
But he had been able to see her one last time, whether it was a horror or a blessing. Slowly, gingerly, he let his thoughts approach that last night in Choukou, recoiling from the sting of seeing her controlled by the demon, accusing him...
“Where were you when I was dying!? In all that time and all that pain, I waited for you. Until the last moment, I believed you’d come, and you never did! I trusted you and you betrayed me!”
But then he could remember seeing the truth in her face as Yui’s words brought her back to herself...
“Didn’t you want to be there for him, to let him know you believed in him...?”
How long had she waited? That night had come a year after she died; how long had she suffered as the demon’s puppet, spreading death through her own home village, while he had been perhaps an hour’s walk away all the time, oblivious, even chasing away the new doctor when he had come with news of the crisis? How many more people had died because of his inaction? That might be the real reason he had agreed to go with the Suzaku no Miko that night---not because he had accepted his heavenly duty, but because if he had stayed any longer, he would have had to confront the enormity of his own sin.
What had held him back? What had kept him in that forest hut for a year? If he had thought of going back to the village, something held him back; if someone from the village had come to him, something came between them---something not large or powerful, something with hardly any substance at all, but somehow enough to bind him irresistibly, like an invisible black thread.
Even through his eyelids, he could feel the starlight falling on him at the realization. It was the same thing he had seen that night in the palace, what had brought Hotohori close to death. Just such a shadow had entangled him, leaving a gap in its nebulous iron strands only large enough for a cat, and he knew that he also couldn’t have survived it forever.
When Yui and the others had come, he had thrown it off---at least most of it---so perhaps he could have done so all along, but having also seen such a thing from the outside, he could appreciate how unexpectedly fearsome it was, how difficult that would have been. He could still remember, when his fellow Seishi begged him for his help, the almost-physical pain of those bonds pulling against him, their sound in his mind...
“I can’t help anyone anymore.”
He drew a sudden deep breath. He opened his eyes and looked up at the stars. I’m still...
The memory echoed against his thoughts now, his days here in this cave. “I can’t help anyone anymore.” “I’m no use to anyone.” “There’s nothing I can do.” He could see them clearly now, those black threads; he had never entirely thrown them off, and now he had let them tie him down again, here on this rock. He was still the same as when she had waited in vain...
Tears and a smile swelled together under the glinting patch of sky. Shoka, forgive me. I’ve been such a fool... Did the dead watch over the living? Could she know? She was beyond his reach, the village by now might be abandoned completely, but if he could throw off the shadows at last, if he could be again the man she had loved, who she would have wanted to be, who he wanted to be for her sake, it would be one remaining star-dusted road home to her at last.
The night air and even the hot aching tears filled him with strength. He seized the thoughts: “I can’t help anyone anymore.” “I’m no use to anyone.” “There’s nothing I can do.” He threw them aside. Whether escape was actually possible hardly mattered; he had to try, and he sprang up from the floor, mind racing, suddenly impatient for the sun to show his eyes the possibilities. He ran his hands over the wall in search of any loose stone; in the same way he felt over the lip of the crag. Climbing to the skylight would be difficult; if he could get to the floor, the gaps through which Tenkou and his demons came and went must lead somewhere; perhaps one of them led out. If it was true that Tenkou wouldn’t let him die, jumping over the edge might work in his favor, but it was too risky short of a last resort; if he died then he actually would be useless. When the demon brought his food, maybe he could break the plate and use the shards as some kind of tool...
A pebble came loose under his fingers, and after a dizzying pause he heard it strike the floor.
“So, you’ve reached that stage, have you?” came Tenkou’s voice. “If Miboshi didn’t need you for something, I would just dispose of you now...”
But Miboshi evidently did need him for something, so for now he was safe. He might not know enough yet for useful conjecture, but he still tried to think what it could be and how he could plan for it as he kept testing the rocks and waiting for morning.
*******
If/when I post further draft I'll make a new tag for it.
