[DRAFT] Natsume Yuujinchou fic: Seven Year Promise, second half

[foxinthestars]

Okay, second half! Sorry that took awhile... I'm perhaps not as sure of the denouement.

(And I'm kind of freaking out; I try to pretend I'm not or not admit it because it seems like bad manners, but yeah, I kind of am...)

EDIT: The story is now on Ao3 and FFN

Comments

[branchandroot]

Eeee, oh that was so cute! And I'm so /very/ glad that Natsume did make that step toward telling Tanuma more, so both of them are less isolated. There was some pretty sharp angst in there, but you brought it back around to another step forward, and it felt satisfying to me.

I think the whitespace thing does work, though it will work best in something like ebook format, which has a /page/ to frame the space. And I think the time-power thing worked; I didn't feel like it was over or under explained, and the idea of a stone developing a spirit of that kind makes sense to me.

The end did feel like it could use a bit more in places; something to say why the Okina decided that it was time to go right then, for example. Maybe just one more sentence, trailing off in ellipses, to start off the story of the koto. Not a full recap, but a reminder to the readers and a cue to why Natsume chose that one. You explain it in the afternote, but that's the kind of thing you want to indicate in the story itself if possible.

[foxinthestars]

Again, thank you!!

Glad the white space works --- one problem, though, I would bet money FFN won't let me get away with it. :P

With the end, yeah, I can see what you're saying. I think for one thing I should probably work more of the Okina into Tanuma's last POV scene (this is hard enough for him and he's trying to do it with this youkai looking over his shoulder on top of everything else; the reason it up and decided to leave was because in that scene it realized it was hurting him, useful to know I didn't emphasize that enough), I just haven't figured out how to do it yet. And on the last line, I will definitely have to think about how I can do that...

[foxinthestars]

Okay, edited the post. I reworked the last line and I think it's a big improvement --- that was very good advice, thank you! Also made a tweak earlier in the final scene so Tanuma just says it's easier feeling it for one (realized I needed to be more direct about that).

The rest is more challenging and will take me longer...

[branchandroot]

*nodnod* I think both those parts flow more smoothly now. *thumbs up!*

[foxinthestars]

::checks dates:: Yeah, foot-dragging at the revision/editing stage is a weakness I have, but I finally took another shot at Tanuma's last POV scene, also changed the end of the scene before that to lead into it. I hope it makes things clearer.