foxinthestars

Okay, last post I mentioned I had another NY fic that I was letting rest, and that I had two complete versions of it. Well, after letting it rest awhile, I actually don't think either version is bad, and I could use a fresh pair of eyes to tell me "better one, better two?" I'm nervous as usual (with a bit of sympathy for comedians who never know if something works until they try it on other people), but that really seems to be the next step on this one, so if anyone doesn't mind a cheap gag at Nyanko-sensei's expense...

Two versions, each about 1000 words... The "cheap gag" passage is almost identical in both versions, otherwise they're completely different.

First, the lighter, more recent version:

When Takashi got home after spending a few nights at the temple --- keeping Tanuma company while his father was off on a meditation retreat --- the Fujiwara house was just the same as ever, its welcome only freshened by a few days away and the smell of the spring air.

Nyanko-sensei came up beside him as he neared the gate. “So you’re back, huh?”

“Where were you?” Takashi asked, as long as they were dispensing with pleasantries. “I never saw you after that first evening.”

“Well, you didn’t run into any trouble, did you? The temple’s pretty safe thanks to that clumsy priest, so I thought I’d take a vacation and catch up on some things.”

Mostly drinking with the Yatsuhara crowd, Takashi imagined. He hadn’t really felt abandoned or unprotected --- Sensei seemed to have a sixth sense for trouble and could appear out of nowhere if things got serious --- the cat had just been gone long enough to make him wonder.

When he came into the yard, Touko was there hanging laundry, and the clothes wafted a gentle detergent scent into the breeze.

“I’m home,” Takashi called.

“Welcome home, Takashi-kun,” she greeted. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, we had a really good time.”

“Did you two have plenty to eat?”

“Oh yeah, the priest left some things, and we made soba noodles...”

As they talked, Touko came out from behind the clothesline and crouched to offer Sensei her hand, but he “harrumph”ed at her with his nose in the air and stalked off. Touko sighed disappointedly.

“Hey, Sensei, what was that about?” Takashi asked --- he’d seen other people say things like that to their pets, so it shouldn’t look too weird.

“Never you mind!” came the reply.

Probably he was just having one of his periodic snits about being treated like a cat, and Takashi didn’t think any more of it.

---Until dinner. When Touko offered Sensei his bowl and he turned up his nose and walked away from food, it was obvious that something was wrong.

“Nyankichi...?” Touko called after him.

He just stalked out of the kitchen without a word, as if giving her the silent treatment.

“Don’t worry,” Shigeru told her. “The way he wanders around the neighborhood, you know he’s getting food somewhere. If he were a human, I’d think he was just doing it to bother you.”

“But...”

“He’s acted fine since that time, hasn’t he?”

“Did something happen?” Takashi broke in.

“It was the first night you were gone,” Touko explained. “I thought Nyankichi had gone with you, but then he started yowling in your room at three a.m., and the next morning he was stumbling around the kitchen with his nose all red...”

“Oh, really?” Takashi asked uncomfortably. If they’d found his room full of saké bottles, surely they would have said something by now...

“When he threw up his breakfast, I didn’t know what else to do, but...” Touko paused. “He was a very, very bad boy at the vet. They asked me not to ever bring him back.”

Takashi’s mouth twisted awkwardly as he didn’t know how to feel. Touko was obviously embarrassed, but at the same time, the idea of the scene...

“Hmm, that is a problem if we can’t take him in,” Shigeru observed, stroking his chin. “We really should have him neutered, you know.”

Takashi burst out in helpless laughter.

“When you own a pet, it’s a serious thing,” Shigeru argued.

“No, sorry,” Takashi giggled, “it’s just...”

Touko stared at him quizzically. “Oh! He is a boy, isn’t he?” she asked. “I always just had a feeling he was, but I’ve never really checked...”

“I tried to, once, but... I couldn’t tell,” Shigeru admitted.

Takashi knew he shouldn’t laugh, not when that sounded like some nasty scratches, but he couldn’t help himself. He could barely even catch his breath. “It’s not that,” he managed, wiping tears of mirth. “He is a boy but --- you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Oh, so he’s fixed already,” Touko surmised.

That sent Takashi into another laughing fit that had to slacken before he could talk. “Yeah, something like that.” Actually, Sensei’s cat body was just a clay figurine that didn’t have those features to begin with, but close enough.

“Well, he lets you get closer than the rest of us, so I’ll take your word for it,” Shigeru said. “I suppose it is an awkward thing to talk about...”

Takashi shook his head. “No, it’s... Sorry, I don’t know why it struck me so funny...”

But now they were smiling at him as if he didn’t need to lie and make excuses.

“You know, Takashi-kun,” Touko said, “I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you laugh like that.”

After dinner, Sensei was waiting upstairs in Takashi’s room with a pile of junk food that he’d produced from who-knew-where. “What’s this? You didn’t bring me anything?” he questioned around a mouthful of shrimp chips.

“I didn’t think you were hungry,” Takashi said, sitting down at his desk.

“I just don’t want anything that woman made.”

“Don’t be wasteful. Haven’t you got enough there, anyway?”

“What, this? This is---” Sensei pushed the bags away. “This is a different thing.”

It was no excuse for home cooking; he was trying to say that without admitting it, and Takashi saw right through him. “You’d better make up with Touko-san then. What did she do, anyway?” he asked, curious to hear it from Sensei’s side.

“She--- She was disrespectful!”

Takashi’s curiosity went unsatisfied, but... Disrespectful? Sensei, if you only knew...

“Hey, what’s so funny!? I could hear you all the way up here earlier!”

Takashi just picked up a pencil and turned to his homework with a broad smile.

“Never you mind...”

Now the original, heavier version...

Natsume Takashi sat up in his hospital bed and even had his homework spread out on the tray table over his lap. He was already feeling better and his IV had been removed --- from what Hinoe had said, the youkai poison would have run its course by now --- but the doctors wanted to keep him a little longer for observation and testing since they still had no idea what had made him so sick, and he couldn’t tell them.

It had only been a few days, but the bedside table was full of cut flowers, Nishimura had lent all the collected volumes of his favorite manga, and now that Takashi was well enough to eat, he’d been given plenty of fresh fruit and cookies. All his friends and even classmates he didn’t know very well had come to see him, so much that Tanuma and Taki were never alone in the room with him. They probably had an idea what had happened, but they didn’t say anything in front of the others.

Nyanko-sensei in schoolgirl form wasn’t nearly so reticent and wouldn’t let any of the students talk her down as she browbeat Takashi for getting himself into this while her back was turned. Strangely, though, when Takashi’s youkai friends came to look in on him after visiting hours and Hinoe had to quiet the others down so he could sleep, Sensei wasn’t there.

Now it was Saturday morning, and the sunlight glowed white in the fibers of the drawn curtains. His friends were all at school, so he was alone reading a literature assignment when Shigeru and Touko came in.

“Good morning, Takashi-kun,” Touko called as she came in the door. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better now. Sorry I worried you like that.”

“Oh, don’t apologize; you couldn’t help it,” Shigeru said as the two of them sat down by the bed. “The doctor said that if a few more tests come back clear you can come home tomorrow.”

Takashi smiled. “That’s good. I’ll be glad to get home.”

“I’ll feel so much better having you back!” Touko half-sang. “The house just isn’t the same without you --- although I think Nyankichi missed you most of all.”

“He did, didn’t he?” Shigeru concurred, with a wry smile.

Takashi looked at them curiously.

“You wouldn’t believe it!” Touko told him. “He’s better now, but the other night he was yowling in your room to all hours --- I don’t think we got a wink of sleep! And then the next morning he was stumbling around the kitchen with his nose all red...”

“Oh, really?” Takashi understood perfectly now and just hoped Sensei hadn’t left any bottles lying around his room.

“When he threw up his breakfast, I didn’t know what else to do, but...” Touko paused uncomfortably. “He was a very, very bad boy at the vet. They asked me not to ever bring him back.”

Takashi’s mouth pinched into an awkward smile. He didn’t want to enjoy it when Touko was obviously embarrassed, but the idea of the scene...

“Hmm, that is a problem,” Shigeru observed, stroking his chin. “We really should have him neutered, you know.”

Takashi burst out in helpless laughter.

“When you own a pet, it’s a serious thing,” Shigeru argued.

“No, sorry,” Takashi giggled, “it’s just...”

“Oh! He is a boy, isn’t he?” Touko wondered, guessing at what the joke was. “I always just had a feeling he was, but I’ve never really checked...”

“I tried to, once, but... I couldn’t tell,” Shigeru admitted darkly.

Takashi knew he shouldn’t laugh, not when that sounded like some nasty scratches, but he couldn’t help himself. He could barely even catch his breath.

“Are you all right?” Touko asked. “You’re not getting light-headed, are you?”

“No, I’m fine it’s just ---” he managed, wiping tears of mirth. “He is a boy but --- you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Oh, so he’s fixed already.”

That sent Takashi into another laughing fit that had to slacken before he could talk. “Yeah, something like that.” Actually Sensei’s cat body was just a clay figurine that didn’t have those features to begin with, but close enough.

“Well, he lets you get closer than the rest of us,” Shigeru observed. “I’ll take your word for it.”

Takashi leaned back on his arms as the laughter finally faded. He was definitely feeling better now; a couple of days ago, a fit of hilarity like this would have been impossible or left him painfully wrung out, but now it had filled him with a bright, relaxed energy.

He knew that Shigeru and Touko had been scared by the whole thing but weren’t going to say it, just cover it over with a “good to have you home.” Sensei was even less likely to say it directly, that he’d been scared and felt guilty for letting it happen, but in his own way he was worse at covering it over: drowning his sorrows and singing off-key, aggressively pushing the responsibility off by browbeating Takashi --- who could look forward to more of the same when he got back...

Yeah, he thought, smiling at the blue sky outside the window. It’ll feel good to be home.

If I were deciding by myself, I would still probably go with the first/recent one because the lighter setting probably is more appropriate to a cheap gag and more importantly because Sensei gets actual camera time and there's some give-and-take with him and Natsume. The second/original isn't as bad as I thought, though, and maybe has more of a point as a character piece.

Thank you to everybody who has a look at it for me!

This coming Sunday is also when I plan to start posting Seven Year Promise (I ended up dividing it further into four parts, and the plan is to post the first one Sunday and one per week after that).